Things I hate about football

26 11 2010

As Kaneo is away and he showed me how to do this I am going to take advantage of this opportunity and write an entry on something I always seem to be doing – moaning about football.

This was inspired by the fact i saw Nicolas Bendtner come off the bench for the Arse and I realised how much the way he runs annoys me. So I started a list of other things that annoy me about footy and it seemed to go on and on and on…….please add anything you hate, I’m sure there are loads of things I’ve missed.

I hate:-
– The way Bendtner runs

Bendtner - why does the way he runs annoy me so much?

– The way John Terry is so obviously a complete cock

– That Joey Barton earns £X thousand a week

-The shape of Phil Dowds mouth

Funny shaped mouth - even worse when he is speaking

– Peter Drurys commentary (thinks he talking about a Shakespeare play)

– Alan Smiths voice (permanent nasal tone)

– Some of the journalists on talk sport in the morning (the bloke from the mirror is the worst, Darren Lewis, terrible, I always switch station when he starts speaking)

– Alex Ferguson’s continued blatant lie “there is money in the bank”


– Sepp Blatter, unbelievable that this guy is still in charge.

– The soft treatment of big clubs by refs (especially when they r at home) and if the other fans or manager complain they are accused of having a “small time club mentality”

– False promises: Capello “I will pick people on form, not reputation”

Barry - no form

Wilshere - in form

– Fat Frank Lampards’ refusal to retire from England despite being utter shite

– Capellos refusal to drop him

– The way virtually every top decent league in the world is always won by one of a maximum of 4 teams

– “Celebrity” fans

– Jake Humphrey on BBC (doesn’t usually do footy but can’t stand him)

– Linekars teriible jokes on MOTD

– Tottenham fans who say they are “big time”

– “Lifelong” fans who have barely been to an actual game in their “lifelong” support

– Tony Pulis

Pulis = anti-football

– The fact that Blackpool play in orange

– Obviously anything to do with Sheff Utd (pigs)

– “Sir” Dave Richards – the England equivalent of Sepp Blatter (only worse) : complete cock
(click here to see this article for more of the “leader” of Club England and our illustrious “Chairman of the Premier League”)

"Sir" Dave Richards - Knows absolutely nothing about football, but has one of the most powerful jobs in Englands national game.

– The way Jeff Stelling always ignores the fact Dean Windass can’t actually speak

– Why despite anything previous Germany ALWAYS do better than us at any actual tournaments

– The term “never fail to disappoint”

– Supporting a team that people always describe as a “sleeping giant” when it just keeps getting worse and worse

– Mark Lawrensons hair

– Phil Thompson : He could at least pretend to enjoy it when he is summarising a non-Liverpool game

– Robbie Savage’s tweets (if you follow him you should unfollow him now) should be called Robbie Chavage


– 11a side teams who play in pub football or the equivalent but still insist of doing a warm down

– When someone says “you can’t buy the title” – blantantly this is completely untrue.

– Those nets that look like ur Grans knitted them

– Gareth Barry

– Scottish fans who bought Argentina shirts when they played England in 2002

– The fact that divisions 3 and 4 are now called leagues 1 and 2

– Rubbish sponsors

– Cristiano Ronaldo

Is there anyone who actually likes this guy?

– Teams playing reserves in the FA Cup (it was so good when I was younger, now its virtually worthless to the bigger clubs, which ruins its overall value)

– The top 4 all getting into to the European Cup

– Andy Townsend still being on the telly

There are loads more and I could go on for days. But the main reason there is so much to hate is because I love it so much. I love football, my life would be immeasurably worse without it.


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Weird Weekend Wednesday – the tales of the BluWkdBoys

29 09 2010

We have a new feature for Wednesdays to get you over the hump day in the week – Weird Weekend Wednesday.

Inspired by Weird Ben, we are going to share tales of what KEE-RAY-ZEE antics the Fingers got up to on their weekend, both recent and historical. Am sure there are some cracking tales to be had (and apparently I am only banned from publishing one story). It’s likely that most of them will be taken from Weird Ben’s back catalogue, but I am sure that everyone has had their BluWkdBant moments…

The Ambrosia of the BlueWKD Boys

This week’s tale comes from the weekend before last and involved Weird Ben and…. THE CRANAGER??? We had just suffered our first defeat of the season at Raynes Park and had retired to the Raynes Park Tavern. The team stayed for a few drinks, but last season’s management (link to league table) decided to stay for a while.

About six pints later, they decided to move things on to Earlsfield, where Ben decided that they had had too many beers and wanted a short. Not wanting to be outdone, The Cranager responded with the phrase “I want something shorter” and out came the Buca.

Many hours later, and having been to more bars, they ended up at a house party. Where? Whose? How? These answers remain unanswered, but the point was they ended up there. Other details apparently are patchy at best, but it was the morning after that made it worthy of a blog.

Having both passed out, The Cranager back in his hallway at home and Ben on a sofa, Ben called The Cranager and the conversation went like this:

Ben: “Alright mate, I’m asleep on your sofa downstairs”

The Cranager: “I don’t have a downstairs, mate”

Ben: “Then where the hell am I?”

However, it was as he gained more consciousness that the uncomfortableness really set in. He realised he was just in his jeans in an empty house with this note laid on him:

EVIDENCE..... A lovely wake up call

Who is Andrew? What happened to make it so crazy? Will they hook up again? Just another crazy night out, I guess… Hmmm….


PWC count themselves lucky

27 09 2010

That really is an appalling accounting pun.

Anyway, it’s Monday, so that means only one thing. The match report from Saturday’s fixture against accounting goons PWC.

We returned to Fortress Wandsworth, where we welcomed back striker Diamo to the ranks. We have played 4-5-1 for the last two weeks – one week we won. One week we lost. The Cranager had a dilemma. And considering his brow is that furrowed all the time anyway, just imagine how furrowed it was this week. His face had almost disappeared into itself by Saturday lunchtime.

Cranager..... furrowed. Berry... jubilant

He perservered though and we went for the 4-5-1 formation, starting with Pembo in nets, Benny and Bjorn in the centre, record breaker JB on the right and Liam on the left. Phil started on the left with white-as-a-sheet Kenwyne on the right. Berry, The Cranager and returning Pano started in the middle with Diamo up top on his own.

The match started very slowly and nothing really happened for 20 minutes. I can guarantee that this has nothing to do with the match reporter turning up 20 minutes late. Absolutely nothing.

It was slow and sluggish and the midfield was more congested than Kenwyne’s sack, but we ploughed on until a ball over the top split their defenders and their nippy little striker was able to poke past the oncoming Pembotron to make it 1-0.

Fingers had a word with themselves and got the ball down, and before you knew it, we were level. Once again, the match reporter missed the goal as he was too busy tweeting updates – Hearny on the sideline confirmed he wasn’t watching the game, but following it on Twitter. I think Berry got the assist and Diamo poked home to the delight of his ENTIRE FAMILY… (literally four family members came to watch him)!

Pano then had a volley from 40 yards. It didn’t go in, but fortunately we captured it on film

So close…. so very close…

But a surging run from the Azzuri midfielder found Diamo on the left, who cut back and delivered a lovely ball for Berry to head back across the keeper and make it 2-1 at half time. Much better.

The second half was a scrappy affair. The finance geeks managed to draw level and following that, both teams had half chances to take the game. Phil put over a lovely ball and his replacement, Semipro Dave, had a chance a few minutes later. They had a goal disallowed for Offy S and few more chances came. Dewesy came on the right and whipped in a few balls, before dropping back to right back to allow the returning Barker (who, to be fair, spoke very little Barkage) to chase everything down the left. The defence stayed strong and JB should get a mention for a quality double tackle in the area with five to go.

It ended 2-2. Probably a fair result, but the team will have to pull their (gold)fingers out a little more to really mount an assault on the title. The league table still looks healthy enough. There is no game this weekend, so we will be reporting on how Fingers got on at Epsom races this weekend. Any tips welcome.

Tweets – 20 September 2010

21 09 2010

Fellow Fingers,

As you know, the Goldfingers Twitter feed is full of vitality and in full flow. However, we are aware that not everyone is able to access Twitter, has an account, or, in Ketchup’s case, knows what Twitter is.

Ketchup - "What the fook is The Twitter?"

As such, we are going to do a daily update of the previous days tweets, so that everyone can see the football chat and the various features we have going on. Look at it as a lunchtime treat.

Here are yesterday’s tweets:

Post afc battersea interview with @sheffieldmick. Parental Guidance Advisory due to adult language…

Today, the Goldfingers FC blog launches… complete with match reports, player profiles and more…

Injury news: @samkano tears ligament fibres in ankle. Looking at a month out at least…

Dewesy’s Fascinating Fact #7:#Dogs have over 100 different facial expressions. I’ve counted them all.

The Cranager’s Thought #7: Flues are more interesting than media chat (sure to spark debate between @raspers26 and the PR following)…

The Goldfingers blog is up and running –

Giftasia #7: Fat + Frozen Lake = ????

100 views of the Goldfingers blog today. Must be worth reading…



AFC Battersea 3-0 Goldfingers FC

20 09 2010

Following the thumping that the nation’s favourite team, Goldfingers FC, dished out the previous week, spirits were high as the team made its way to the familiar territory of Raynes Park this week.

The opponents this week, however, were an altogether different ballsack of fish – AFC Battersea. Last year, these utter goons completed the league and cup double, so we knew a tough match was in store.

A solid warm-up and we were ready to go, but the retards on the opposition had not organised a ref. It would have been if Howard Webb hadn’t turned up yesterday. The only difference was that the Webbster did show.

45 minutes later, a ref turned up and we took to the the field. The Cranager adopted the strong 4-5-1 formation that worked so effectively last week. Celine Dion lookalike Pembo started in nets. Tramp Noblet on the right, with Liam W on the left. Abba tribute buffoons Benny and Bjorn held the centre.

The Cranager sat as a holding midfielder, while Berry and Phil packed the centre. SK started on the right, with Nick on the left, while Ketchup cranked the Victorian Boiler into gear and played the lone striker role.

Lone striker Ketchup warms up...

Confidence remained high, but disaster struck after only two minutes when a long through dropped six yards out and one of their players was able to stick it home.

Already chasing the game, Goldfingers settled a little more and began to play a little. Some incisive balls from midfield nearly put SK and Ketchup through, but after 20 minutes, a very whistle happy ref penalised the nation’s favourite team again. A lofted ball to our back stick saw four defenders go for it, but it managed to get headed back across and to enable, in the words of Michael Berry, “some complete knobhead” to put it in an open net. 2-0.

Berry..... "Complete Knobhead"

We rallied and created changes, Berry admitted he should have scored from a quick free kick. He also had one cleared off the line, while sk hit the side netting, Tommy K pulled a save out of the keeper and Phil headed just wide. The defence looked continually assured, with Weird Ben and lovingly tattoed Bjorn soaking up everything else Battersea had, which wasn’t much, so Tramp Noblet and Liam could foray forward.

The second half proved to be a pretty stale affair. We switched to 4-4-2 and then threw what we had at them. Dewesy and Si came on to the wings, whereas Duncan came on replace a cramped Ketchup. We reverted to 3-5-2 and unfortunately this gave them the change to break. Pembo got a good hand to save from their captain, but it fell back to him and he nodded in to round off a 3-0 victory.

It was a frustrating afternoon as their three goals were their only three shots.

It was a cup game and wasn’t three points dropped, but it is back to the drawing board for The Cranager. Apologies that this isn’t up to the usual piss-taking, witty sardonic standard (Standard), but with a victory, this will come.

Don’t forget to follow the team on Twitter – @goldfingersfc