Following the thumping that the nation’s favourite team, Goldfingers FC, dished out the previous week, spirits were high as the team made its way to the familiar territory of Raynes Park this week.
The opponents this week, however, were an altogether different ballsack of fish – AFC Battersea. Last year, these utter goons completed the league and cup double, so we knew a tough match was in store.
A solid warm-up and we were ready to go, but the retards on the opposition had not organised a ref. It would have been if Howard Webb hadn’t turned up yesterday. The only difference was that the Webbster did show.
45 minutes later, a ref turned up and we took to the the field. The Cranager adopted the strong 4-5-1 formation that worked so effectively last week. Celine Dion lookalike Pembo started in nets. Tramp Noblet on the right, with Liam W on the left. Abba tribute buffoons Benny and Bjorn held the centre.
The Cranager sat as a holding midfielder, while Berry and Phil packed the centre. SK started on the right, with Nick on the left, while Ketchup cranked the Victorian Boiler into gear and played the lone striker role.
Confidence remained high, but disaster struck after only two minutes when a long through dropped six yards out and one of their players was able to stick it home.
Already chasing the game, Goldfingers settled a little more and began to play a little. Some incisive balls from midfield nearly put SK and Ketchup through, but after 20 minutes, a very whistle happy ref penalised the nation’s favourite team again. A lofted ball to our back stick saw four defenders go for it, but it managed to get headed back across and to enable, in the words of Michael Berry, “some complete knobhead” to put it in an open net. 2-0.
We rallied and created changes, Berry admitted he should have scored from a quick free kick. He also had one cleared off the line, while sk hit the side netting, Tommy K pulled a save out of the keeper and Phil headed just wide. The defence looked continually assured, with Weird Ben and lovingly tattoed Bjorn soaking up everything else Battersea had, which wasn’t much, so Tramp Noblet and Liam could foray forward.
The second half proved to be a pretty stale affair. We switched to 4-4-2 and then threw what we had at them. Dewesy and Si came on to the wings, whereas Duncan came on replace a cramped Ketchup. We reverted to 3-5-2 and unfortunately this gave them the change to break. Pembo got a good hand to save from their captain, but it fell back to him and he nodded in to round off a 3-0 victory.
It was a frustrating afternoon as their three goals were their only three shots.
It was a cup game and wasn’t three points dropped, but it is back to the drawing board for The Cranager. Apologies that this isn’t up to the usual piss-taking, witty sardonic standard (Standard), but with a victory, this will come.
Don’t forget to follow the team on Twitter – @goldfingersfc